• 10. Your bowl game starts at 10am on a Tuesday
• 9. Your bowl's corporate sponsor is Chico's Bail Bonds
• 8. Your bowl game is being played on blue turf in Boise, Idaho
• 7. Ronald McDonald is your bowl's commissioner
• 6. Your bowl's halftime entertainment is a musical performance by John Oates. No Hall, just Oates.
• 5. Your game is being televised on tape delay following The World Series of Checkers
• 4. The coaches yell at you when you do play defense
• 3. Your bowl invites three teams in case one doesn't show up
• 2. In the paper, your bowl is listed as the "Sponsorship Rights Available Bowl"

And the #1 Sign that You Are Playing in a Crappy Bowl Game ..

• 1. Your opponent is so bad, they lost to Notre Dame

• Your bowl game is named after a flower
• You ended up in the bowl because your team "doesn't travel well"
• The game's spread is determined by Miss Cleo
• The telecast is only available in black and white
• The halftime show is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System ... It is only a test
• The referees are guys who work at Footlocker
• On game day the stadium parking lot doubles as a flea market
• The opposing team's kicker is from the Midwest and the quarterback is from Finland
• Your opponent fields two Rhodes Scholars
• Your bowl cannot afford replay officials so they hire Simon Cowell to judge the close plays

• 10. Your highest profile endorsement is Screech from Saved by the Bell
• 9. The networks will air your campaign ads only during the teeth whitening infomercial
• 8. You are currently tenth in the polls with only nine people running
• 7. When pollsters call your mother and ask which candidate she prefers, she answers "undecided"
• 6. Your kid's lemonade stand earned more than your last fundraiser
• 5. The other candidates refuse to attack your policies because they feel sorry for you
• 4. You are declared out of the race with 0% of precincts reporting
• 3. You respond to every question from the press by saying "Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
• 2. You are introduced at the debate as "Congressman What's-his-name"


And the #1 Sign That Your Presidential Campaign Is Not Going Well ...


• 1. The name on your driver's license says "Dennis Kucinich"

• 10. "Tell me again, which team are we?"
• 9. "Son, that's Shawon Dunston. He was the backup shortstop for the '27 Yankees."
• 8. "I'm heading to the concession stand. Can I get you a Decaf Latte and a Tofu Dog?"
• 7. "Hey Ortiz! No, the other one."
• 6. "SO, do you think we can sign the Rally Monkey to a three picture deal?"
• 5. "Hey, It's Enrico Palazzo!"
• 4. "Dude, you're gettin' a thunderstick! By the way, what is thunder?"
• 3. "Ball four. Take your base, Mr. Bonds."
• 2. "Excuse me. You in the red jacket. Are you the valet?"


And the #1 conversation overheard at Edison Field during the World Series ...


• 1. "Why the hell isn't Reggie Jackson in the starting lineup?"

• For Carl Everett -- the Jurassic Park trilogy on DVD
• For "No-mah" Garciaparra -- a guest host spot on Saturday Night Live. Hey, if Jeter can do it ...
• For Terry Glenn -- a one-way ticket out of New England
• For Pedro Martinez -- a copy of A League of Their Own, because he needs a reminder that "there's no crying in baseball."
• For Matt Millen -- a 1-15 season. I was hoping for 0-16, but the stores aren't carrying that anymore.
• For the New York Yankees from George Steinbrenner -- a World Championship trophy. Because he has proven that those can be bought.
• For Bruins Owner Jeremy Jacobs -- an overnight visit by three ghosts.
• For the BC basketball team -- a win over Duke.
• For Jose Offerman -- a retirement party.
• For Laker fans -- a larger bandwagon.
• For the people of Montreal and Minnesota -- another season of baseball. Of course, the people of Montreal may return that gift.
• For Troy Brown -- a pro bowl selection and the credit he deserves.
• For Rick Fox -- a haircut. The ponytail works for Mia Hamm, it doesn't work for you.
• For the people of New York -- Osama bin Laden in a cage in the middle of Central Park.
• For Derek Lowe -- one of those flashy things from Men In Black so he can erase last season from his memory.
• For Alumni Stadium -- a natural grass surface.
• For Who Wants to Be a Millionaire -- a 35 second shot clock.

Did anyone catch Nomar on "Two Guys and a Girl?" I've seen worse acting performances by a pro athelete, but I wouldn't advise Nomie to quit his day job. Here's my ranking of the acting performances by our local players.

1. Kevin McHale in 'Cheers' (he has a job if there is ever another Munsters movie)
2. Cam Neely in 'Dumb and Dumber'
3. Nomar Garciaparra in last night's 'Two Guys and a Girl' (take that Jeter!)
4. Wade Boggs in 'Cheers' (not the only time he lost his pants)
5. Nancy Kerrigan on 'Saturday Night Live' (The skating with Chris Farley was classic)
6. Larry Bird in Loverboy's 'Working for the Weekend' video (Co-starring Magic)
7. Drew Bledsoe in 'Jerry Maguire' (Drew is at least as good an actor as Tom Cruise)
8. Bob Cousy in 'Blue Chips' (This is actually Worst Acting Performance by a Boston Sports Icon)
9. Roger Clemens in 'Kingpin' (he has the body of a bowler)
10. Robert Parish in 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Next' (Sorry, wrong Chief)

• C - Crash Davis, Bull Durham (beats out Jake Taylor and Mike Engelberg at a tough position)
• 1B - Klu Haywood, Major League (played so well by former Brewer pitcher Pete Vuckovich)
• 2B - Marla Hooch, A League of Their Own (can switch hit as well)
• SS - Tanner Boyle, Bad News Bears (will rush the mound any time you need it)
• 3B - Roger Dorn, Major League (known to tank a grounder once in a while)
• LF - Moonlight Graham, Field of Dreams (he's batting 1.000)
• CF - Willie Mays Hayes, Major League (also the team's leadoff batter)
• RF - Roy Hobbs, The Natural (stock up on light bulbs)
• STARTER - Nuke LaLoosh, Bull Durham (likes old chicks on and off screen)
• CLOSER - Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn, Major League (California Penal League All-Star)
• MANAGER - Jimmy Dugan, A League of Their Own ("There's no crying in baseball!")
• BENCH COACH - Morris Buttermaker, Bad News Bears (gives beer to 10-year-olds)
• ANNOUNCER - Harry Doyle, Major League ("Juuuuuuust a bit outside")
• UMPIRE - Lt. Frank Drebin, Naked Gun ("Steeeeeeeerrrrike three-ee-ee")
• NATIONAL ANTHEM - Enrico Palazzo, Naked Gun ("buncha bombs in the air")
• HONORABLE MENTION (TV) - Sam Malone, Cheers (the bases were loaded and so was he)

• 10. Your DH is also your drug dealer
• 9. You find Mariah Carey in your locker
• 8. You need a ten-year-old with a glove to win the World Series for you
• 7. You've been hired and fired by the same employer five times
• 6. You wake up in a cold sweat hearing airplanes (sorry, that's You Might be a New York Met if...)
• 5. You did not play in the New York Yankee farm system
• 4. You see your boss all week, plus Thursday's at 9:00 on NBC
• 3. A large beam suddenly falls on your head
• 2. You have exposed more than your windup in the bullpen
• 1. You've been beaten by Sipowicz

• 5. Miniature Golf Championships - "His approach to the clown's mouth is about 75 inches. I think he'll go with the putter."
• 4. Strongman Competition - Fire engine pulling, car lifting, bending a metal bar over your head. Where did I put that Lou Ferrigno rookie card?
• 3. Vic's Vacant Lot - From the very early days of ESPN. The premise here was to send a fiftysomething guy (tennis guru Vic Braden) out with a group of young children to show them how to organize competitive sports in busy streets or places that looked like abandoned contruction sites. Gee, I can't imagine why that one was cancelled.
• 2. Synchronized Diving - Oh, sorry. That's the Olympics.
• 1. World Series of Poker - Card by Card broadcast by Dick Van Patten. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it.

• 2. Canadian Football - I used to watch CFL games while eating breakfast before school. Warren Moon owned the league back then. But, I still don't understand why an eight team league needed two franchises called the Rough Riders.
• 1. Australian Rules Football - This sport is basically chaos, violence and mayhem, but with referees and what appeared to be a few rules. Did I mention that they don't wear helmets?

I got a little nostalgic and came up with a list of the things I miss most about sports and the things that I would just as soon forget.

• I miss the days when 40 home runs and 120 RBI's was a great season.
• I miss the days when college basketball players stuck around for four years ... or at least two.
• I miss the days when championships in baseball, the NHL and the NBA were won with good management and hard-working players, not with check books.
• I miss endzone dances. The NFL doesn't want a Billy "White Shoes" Johnson knee-wiggle or an "Ickey Shuffle" but they seem to be very tolerant of the incessant trash talking.
• I miss the days when NFL wide receivers were willing to take a hit.
• I miss old Olympic hockey when the US used college guys and the Russians were still evil.
• I miss Bruins radio play-by-play announcer Bob Wilson. Hockey is the worst radio sport imaginable but somehow Wilson made it exciting.
• I miss the old NBA. Playoff series' involving the Celtics and Lakers or Celtics and Sixers were amazing. Those teams won titles because they had the players who could pass, shoot and dribble. Now teams win because they have the biggest, strongest guy who can outmuscle everyone and stuff a ball through a hoop.
• I miss the days when the Indianapolis 500 was the only auto race on TV.
• I miss watching football when my TV screen didn't look like a video game. First down lines and a small scoreboard in the corner is fine, but enough is enough.
• I miss the Battle of the Network Stars and the Laff Olympics. Who wouldn't love to see Jennifer Aniston in the dunking booth or Homer Simpson going up against Eric Cartman in the obstacle course?
• I miss Chief Nok-a-homa.
• I miss the days when the Big East Basketball Conference had nine teams. You could count on playing Providence, Georgetown, St. John's, Villanova, Connecticut and Syracuse twice every year.
• I miss Dewey Evans and Pudge Fisk, Cam Neely and Ray Bourque, John "Hog" Hannah and Larry, Kevin and the Chief.

What I don't miss:

• I don't miss symmetrical cookie cutter baseball stadiums.
• I don't miss Ray Lucas, Tommy Hodson, Hugh Millen, Scott Secules, Jay Barker, Marc Wilson, Tom Ramsey, Tony Eason or Tom Flick.
• I don't miss the early 1980's uniforms such as the Washington Bullets horizontal striped shirts that made Manute Bol look like a giant candy cane, the Houston Astros rainbow shirts and orange caps, the Vancouver Canucks v-shaped jerseys that looked like your grandfather's ugliest sweater and the three-tone baseball caps worn by the Expos, Orioles and White Sox.
• Speaking of uniforms, I don't miss the short-shorts worn by 80's NBA teams.
• I don't miss the days of college basketball before the three point line and shot clock. There was nothing worse than watching a team take a four point lead with sixteen minutes to play and attempt to pass the ball around in the "four corners" offense for the rest of the game.
• I don't miss all the Red Sox "hot prospects" that eventually disappointed me.
• I don't miss Albert Belle or Tony Phillips.

• 10. When people call your ticket office and ask what time the game starts, they reply "What time can you be here?"
• 9. You have a 155 kilometer per hour fastball
• 8. The vendors at your park sell escargot on a croissant instead of hot dogs
• 7. Your entire team earns less than all but six New York Yankees
• 6. You have been traded for Pedro Martinez, Randy Johnson, John Wetteland, Moises Alou or Andres Galarraga
• 5. No one knows what the hell your logo is supposed to be
• 4. The local hockey team outdraws you for an intrasquad scrimmage
• 3. You pay $4 million in taxes on your $5 million salary
• 2. Your bleachers smell like beer AND donuts
• 1. Your team's only retired jersey is the mascot's "!"