Interview with Presidential Candidate, Wally the Green Monster

PR: Many have criticized the Patriot Act. Where do you stand?

Wally: I love the Patriot Act. How could you not? Fifteen wins in a row and another Superbowl title. With Tom Brady and Bill Belichick the Patriot Act is perfect the way it is. I wouldn’t change a thing.

PR: Grady Little has written a tell-all book that includes a chapter about you. In the past, he has praised you, saying that you increased fan interest “five-fold.” Now he’s saying that you didn’t care about the fans and the team. He even claims that you told him not to take Pedro out of the game in the 8th inning of Game 7 against the Yankees. How do you respond?

Wally: Grady is a disgruntled former employee and this is his way of getting back at me. It is also true that he will sell more books by printing these lies. The media wants to discredit me and he knows it. It doesn’t seem to matter to the newspapers that everything in his book is a direct contradiction of what he has said in the past. I thought that we had a decent working relationship, but he was incompetent so the Red Sox got rid of him. Maybe he thinks I had something to do with it. I certainly didn’t tell him to keep Pedro in Game 7 three batters too long. Grady was the only person on the planet that would have done that.

PR: Do you think it was correct to launch an invasion in search of Weapons of Mass Destruction?

Wally: Yes. We absolutely should invade the homes of Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi in search of Weapons of Muscle Mass Expansion. WMME’s have been hurting the game and the health of the players is at stake. The only problem is that by the time we actually get in there, the steroids could already be on a plane to Syria. People will claim that they never existed. Wait a minute. Were you talking about something else?

PR: In 1992, Ross Perot ran as an Independent and cost George H.W. Bush the election. In 2000, Ralph Nader ran as a Green Party candidate and received enough votes in Florida to cost Al Gore the election. You may get a significant amount of votes in the Sunshine State because there are so many transplanted Red Sox fans there. Florida will be the most pivotal state in November’s election and some Democrats are upset because they feel that you could cost John Kerry the election. Are you attempting to hurt John Kerry’s chances to win in November?

Wally: Of course not. I like both candidates. John Kerry is a Massachusetts guy and served his country in Vietnam. George W. Bush has shown a great ability to stand up to America’s enemies and has liberated 50 million people from tyranny. I am running for President to help increase support for the Mascot Party. I am not interested in helping or hindering John Kerry. May the best candidate win.

PR: In the 2000 election, everyone was interested in your relationship with Anna Kournikova. You continue to deny that there were any romantic attachments. This time around, you have been linked to hotel heiress Paris Hilton. The tabloids are claiming that you and Brian Urlacher of the Bears got into a fistfight over Paris at the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas. Is any of this true?

Wally: Some of it is true. Paris and I were dating briefly after she returned from the filming of The Simple Life. It just wasn’t meant to be. She’s much more of a free-spirit than and I couldn’t keep up. There was an incident with Urlacher, but it was merely a heated discussion, not a fistfight. Plus, it happened at the Palms Hotel, not the Hard Rock. Those tabloids never get it right.

PR: John Kerry has Teresa Heinz. Paris could support you the same way. Plus, hotels are a lot more interesting than ketchup.

Wally: It's hard to argue with that last statement. It would help to have her financial support but her reputation is questionable. I don't want people to start thinking that I'm a bigger, greener version of Bill Clinton.

PR: Yankee fan and filmmaker Michael Boor has just released his new documentary Celsius 1918. It savagely attacks the Red Sox, including Pedro Martinez, Ted Williams and even you. Is this going to hurt your campaign?

Wally: I don't think anyone will be brainwashed by this film. People understand that its purpose is to discredit the Red Sox as an organization and that the filmmaker has presented things out of context to make his point. For example, there is a videotaped interview with Williams where Ted says "I hate the fact that there are so many sick kids out there. It breaks my heart that they are suffering with these terrible diseases." In Boor's film, he cuts out pieces so it sounds like Ted is saying "I hate kids. They are terrible diseases." There is another scene where you see Pedro Martinez pitch a ball that hits a Yankee batter in the head. The batter then dies right next to home plate. Two seconds later you see Pedro smiling. The batter isn't even a real Yankee. I think it was the guy who played Booger in Revenge of the Nerds.

PR: What do you think of the Green Monster seats?

Wally: When I first heard that the Red Sox were doing it, I was concerned that the seats would look silly. Over time, however, I have grown to love the Monster seats. Those are my people. Don’t be surprised to see a few Wally for President banners up there this summer. I’m just happy that no one has had a few too many drinks and fallen off the top of the Wall onto the field. I guess that’s why Ted Kennedy and Ben Affleck aren’t allowed up there.

PR: The head of the Philly Phanatic, your Running Mate in 2000, was stolen during a charity auction in February. Could this have been the work of Al Qaeda?

Wally: Anything is possible. The Phanatic was leading the primaries at that time and Al Qaeda may have wanted him out of the race. Phanatic had once promised to run over Osama Bin Laden with that little bike of his. Maybe the fanatics sought revenge against the Phanatic.

PR: Thanks, Wally. Is there anything you would like to say to the voters before we sign off?

Wally: Only one thing. Please vote for me in November.

Please take a look at my 2000 Interview with Wally.